转自天涯 地址不好意思发不上来 刚发了贴被百度秒吞

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML
今天，我在邮箱里收到了我的护照。他们把我的生日搞错了。然后我找到了我一起送去申请护照的出生证明。结果我发现我的父母16年来一直在错误的一天给我过生日。

　　Today, I was sitting in class and I fell asleep during the lesson. I was wearing sweatpants and had an erection. My teacher came up to me and grabbed my penis. She thought it was my phone. FML
今天，我在上课的时候睡觉。我的JJ石更了，而且我穿的是很宽松的裤子。我的老师走了过来一把抓住了我的JJ——她以为那是我手机。

　Today, I heard my sister masturbating in her room. I took the dog around the block to get out of the house, and I came back to see her leaving her room. my electric toothbrush in her hand.
今天，我听见了我的姐姐在她的房间里面ZW。为了逃出去，我带着狗出去遛了遛。我回来的时候正巧碰见她出来，手里拿的东西是——我的电动牙刷。

　　Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. When he was about to orgasm, he screamed "Yes Brittany!" at the top of his lungs. My name's not Brittany. That's his sister.
今天，我在和我的男朋友OOXX。当他要丢了的时候，他突然声嘶力竭地大喊“太棒了Brittany！！”我的名字不是Brittany.Brittany是他的妹妹。

　　Today, I asked my boyfriend to come over for dinner because I had some big news. He said he did too, and came over. After stuffing his face full of food, he broke up with me and said he'd re-enlisted into the marines, leaving in two weeks. I was going to tell him i'm 9 weeks pregnant.
今天，我让我男朋友来我家吃饭因为我有个大消息要告诉他。他说他也有个大消息要告诉我。在他吃得差不多的时候，他说要和我分手因为他两个星期以后就要去海军陆战队报道了。我准备告诉他我已经怀孕9个星期了。

　Today, my daughter asked me when was the first time I had sex. After I told her 22 she quickly shouted, "Beat ya!" She's thirteen.
今天，我的女儿问我我是什么时候**的。当我告诉她是22岁时，她立马大喊道：“我赢喽！！”她今年才13。

　Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man.
今天，我结婚9年的老公告诉我说他是搞基的。他甚至还暗示我说，他和我在一起的时候能硬起来，是因为我长得比较爷们。

　Today I noticed that my daughter was making funny noises which oddly resembled sex sounds my wife makes. When I asked her what she was doing she said "I'm pretending to be mommy from last night." I was on a business trip last night. FML
今天，我发现我女儿在模仿很奇怪的声音，听起来像我老婆在OOXX时发出的。当我问她在干嘛时，她说“我在学我妈妈昨晚的声音”。TNND，我昨晚还在出差。

　　Today, I took the bus to work and a sweet old lady got on after me and sat next to me. Halfway to work, she fell asleep and her head was on my shoulder. Trying to be nice, I gently tried to wake her up before my stop came. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes.
今天，我做公交去上班，后来上来了一位慈祥的老奶奶坐在我旁边。车开到一半的时候，她睡着了，脑袋枕在了我的肩膀上。为了当个好人，我一直没弄醒她，直到我要下车时。坑爹啊，其实她一直没睡觉，我让一个老太太死在我身上长达30分钟。

　Today, I thought I heard my little sister playing on my brand new grand piano. Angry, I ran downstairs to stop her. My parents were having sex. On my piano.
今天，我以为我听到了我妹妹在弹我新买的钢琴。我十分生气，跑下楼去制止她。我靠，结果是我父母在我的新钢琴上XXOO。

@造也的儿
你也来翻个吧~

　　Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try anal sex. When he was done, I turned around to see him holding a strap-on with a smile on his face and said 'Now, do me'.
今天，我男友和我决定试试菊花。当他完事以后，我转过身来，发现他面带微笑地拿着一个捆绑式的假JJ，对我说：“现在，该你干我了。”

@幻子凝