Today, at the dentist, I was getting my teeth cleaned. Looking up at his nose, I saw snot dripping. I tried to slowly move away. He told me "Stop!" The movement of his lips caused the snot to fall right into my mouth.
今天，我去牙医那里洗牙。我抬头看着他的鼻子，发现有块鼻屎摇摇欲坠。我想慢慢地挪开，他说“别动！”结果他说话的动作导致那鼻屎直接掉进了我嘴里。

　Today, I was sifting through my parents old home movies. I put in one and was horrified to see my parents having sex. I immediatly ejected the tape and looked at the label. It said "Bermuda, 1989". They've told me I was conceived in Bermuda around that time. I've seen my own conception.
今天，我在翻看我父母的旧的家庭录像。我把一盘带子放进了录像机，惊恐地发现那里录着我的父母在XO。我立刻拿出了录像带并且看了看那上面的标签。上面写着：“百慕大，1989”。他们曾经告诉我说我就是在那个时候的百慕大群岛上被造出来的。我靠，我看到了自己被造出来的情形。

Today, I was lying on the bed with my boyfriend. We were watching his cell phone when an automatic reminder message came on the screen: "Do not forget to tell a lie to babe about going out this Friday".
今天我和男友躺在床上，一起看着他的手机。突然一条自动提醒跳了出来：“周五要出去的事，别忘了给宝贝编个瞎话。”

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex at his house. When we got there, he checked his mail box first and noticed that his Wii game arrived. He sent me home so he can play.
今天，我男友和我决定在他的家里XXOO。我们到了以后，他先去看了看信箱，然后就发现他订购的Wii的游戏送到了。然后他把我送回了家因为他想玩游戏。

　Today, my father asked me if he could borrow my electric razor because he wanted to "surprise mom later". Anxious to see him without his life-long beard, I willingly agreed. About half an hour later he exited the bathroom. Beard fully intact.
今天，我老爹问我借剃须刀，因为他想要“等会给我妈一个惊喜”。我非常想看他把留了一辈子的大胡子剃掉是啥样子，于是我很高兴地答应了他。半个小时以后，他从洗手间出来了。胡子一点都没动过。

　　Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done.
今天，我男友和我决定XXOO。我是第一次而他不是。30秒以后，他倒在了我的身上。我还以为他在逗我玩呢，就开始大笑。结果，他没在开玩笑，真的完事了。

　　Today, my tampon string was hanging from my bathing suit. My boyfriend thought it was a thread hanging from my bikini bottom. He publicly pulled out my tampon.
今天，我卫生棉的线在我的泳装旁边露了出来。我男友以为那是我比基尼小裤裤的线头。于是乎他在大庭广众之下把我的卫生棉拉了出来。

　Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo".
今天，我给我6个月的男友发了条短信说我很想要，而且我躺在床上光着身子。他回了封信说：“你长了手指头，用它们，我去睡觉了，亲亲抱抱”。

Today, I heard my boyfriend of 3 months talking with his friend, not knowing I could hear them. "Tonight's the night," my boyfriend says. "I'm finally going to tell her I love her!" I got really excited, deciding i loved him too. Then his friend says, "Awesome! But what about Kayla?" I'm Kayla.
今天，我听到了我交往3个月的男友和他的朋友在聊天，他们不知道我能听到。“就今晚了”，我男友说，“我一定要告诉她，我爱她！！”我非常兴奋，并决定到时候我会说。“我也爱你”。然后他的朋友就说：“太好了。可是，凯拉怎么办？”我就是凯拉。

　Today, after work I went to the parking lot to my car to go home. I found my car doors heavily scratched and all my tires cut, with a note on my windshield. The note read, "F*** you, Jackson. Don't f*** with me." I'm Tyler, Jackson is my co-worker.
今天，下班以后，我去停车场准备开车回家。我发现我的车的门被划得一团糟，所有的车胎都被扎了。挡风玻璃上留着一张字条写着：“***，Jackson。别耍老子。”而我的名字叫Tyler，Jackson是我同事。

外国人。。。你懂的